Mama Nirvana: A Half Birthday

Dear Charlie,

You are six months old today. Am I a bad mommy to say that it has been a long six months? A lot has happened since you came along, mostly that mommy quit her job and is home with you and your brother all of the time. I think the time has seemed long in that I really am aware of every moment with you, every new thing that you do, every expression on your face. I am soaking you in.

We are inseparable, you and I. Your daddy often jokes that he has his kid (John) and I have mine. I don't think we've been apart more than a couple of times, and tomorrow I will be leaving you with a babysitter for the first time. If I'm doing dishes, you are sitting on the counter watching me, if I'm watching TV, you are on the floor rolling around nearby, and if we are out and about, you are attached to me by a long piece of fabric wrapped over my shoulder. In a lot of ways I feel closer to you than I do anyone else. You are my familiar.

I apologize, in advance, for taking everything I learned my first time around as a mommy and using it on you. That is why you have to stay in your crib for two hours at a time, even if you have woken up, because sleeping is important, for both of us. That is why you have to be wrapped up like a mummy every time you go to sleep. To be fair, I tried it without your blanket the other day for nap time and you wouldn't go to sleep. I don't think it's time to let it go just yet. I'm sorry that I don't pick you up right away when you are fussy. Usually it is because I am busy taking care of another little boy who has happened to run face first into a table and split his lip open -- again. I wish so much that I could give you all of my attention, but I am stretched thin, Charlie.

I am beginning to wonder if John isn't your favorite person in the whole world. Every time he does some sort of stunt, usually using your tiny body as a prop, you just giggle and squeal with such happiness. You watch him from across the room, and whenever we walk past him, you reach out your little hands and try to touch his face. Believe it or not, he loves you back. When we went to California last month to visit your aunt and cousins, John cried when he found out you were gone. He really missed having his baby brother around.

You are a big boy. You already outweigh your brother at this age. You are stocky and a little bit chubby around the legs. I often just stare at your body when I am getting you dressed. "I made this body", I think. You are so beautiful to me. People often comment at your lovely personality, that you are interested, happy, and content to be in the thick of it. You love to blow raspberries and have something in your mouth. You produce a lot of drool, I have to say, and someday you will have a mouth full of teeth, I am sure.