I Know This Much Is True

*WARNING -- RELIGIOUS RAMBLINGS AHEAD...

In the last few weeks I have become enamoured with a couple of religious blogs, and have had difficulty pulling myself away from reading the many, many articles written by fellow LDS believers. In fact, there are huge groups of people who write nothing more than about their opinions about their faith and spiritual experiences. I think the reason I have been so transfixed is that it is rare for me to find other Mormons who have struggled like me, or have a lot of questions. It is much more difficult to open up about your feelings during Relief Society than it is through the slight anonymity the blog world allows.

My testimony of my faith has been hard-won, and is still evolving. I lost a lot of ground by attending a church-sponsored school, where I tormented myself with feelings of not fitting the mold and standing out as a freak because I wasn't Molly enough. I will never forget the anger and indignation I felt when I questioned my humanities professor about the lack of female representation in our syllabus. He called me Gloria (as in Gloria Steinem) for the rest of the term, as penance for calling him out in front of the class. That is just how I was. Always questioning, pushing the envelope. It was never enough for me to just blindly follow and accept what I was told.

Along the way, I have had several spiritual experiences that have supported my faith, but I have longed for something substantial, something that will cement my feet on gospel soil, leaving no room for doubt or frustration. When I have heard people say things like, "there is not a doubt in my mind", or "I KNOW", I have felt jealous or inadequate. Sometimes I do have doubts and other times I definitely do not KNOW. Where does that leave me? I have often remembered something that my beloved Young Women's leader told me about how she views our earthly life like a path up the side of a mountain. No one is on the same path, and some of the way is through flower-filled meadows, while other parts are sheer climbs, hand over hand. How we get to the top doesn't matter as long as we keep going forward, even if we have to stop for breaks along the way.

This year has been one of spiritual reflection and has brought several things into clear focus for me, especially as a close friend made the decision to make a break from the church that we have attended our entire lives. Suddenly the broadness and the huge scope of my religious practice came to a fine point and I finally came to understand where my focus should fall. In a recent press release, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints specifically delineated what exactly church doctrine is (and it will surprise you what they leave out). I have read this over and over, and I know that for any believer it will be a "duh" moment (as in like, duh, I already know this), but for me it was more of an "aha!" moment. My favorite part of the statement is this quote:

Based on the scriptures, Joseph Smith [the modern-day prophet of the restored LDS church] declared: “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.”

In my church it is easy to get carried away in the nuances, the folklore and the traditions, the things that I once questioned or worried me. There is no need for that. Paring everything down to its most basic elements has been very freeing for me and my confidence has grown, leaving most of my self-doubt in the dust. While some may say the LDS faith is more complex than anyone could ever know, I would argue that it is beautiful in its simplicity and because of this, even complicated and hard-headed people like me can gain understanding and peace.
Amy